Taking Hold of the Flame, 002

May 13th, 2020

Albuquerque, NM

Breakdown

The match against Brock Storm left me wanting more, and when I left for New Mexico, with the second night of Fatal Fortunes on the horizon, I couldn’t help but be as stoked as I was.

However, now that I’m here, that fire that was stoked has quickly died down. I sit in my locker room. I watch as so many on the roster get called out for competition. I watch as Bree Lancaster wrestles to a draw with Matt Hodges. That last bit cuts me more than I think it will. Hodges is a little slow, but the bastard can still go.

It makes me wonder what I could do against Bree. The last time we faced each other, I was still a little rusty. She got the better of me, but I like to think I learned from it. I wanted to be called upon tonight to test my mettle against Bree Lancaster, or even a rematch against Regan. I tell myself that I would have been fine with competing against Peyton. Or team me up with someone to go against the World Tag Team Champions.

I sigh and shake my head.

I tell myself that I shouldn’t have come here with delusions of things that could happen, when I knew coming into the arena that there was a fat chance anything would happen for me. Another sigh escapes me. I tell myself that I want the SCW World Championship. That I need it. But I also tell myself, I can’t just go the fuck around, expecting things to be handed to me.

I want to be back in Elite Pro, feeling alive because right now, I feel like a waste of fucking roster space. It’s not a good feeling, as I’m not content with just sitting in the back, collecting a check, with a smile on my face like I’m just happy as hell to be here. That’s not me, I think to myself. It never has been me, and it will damn sure never be me.

I look up just in time to see Ace get pinned. I stand up, wondering if I need to go out there, only to sit down just as fast as I rose my feet, knowing Ace doesn’t care. I think about our talk the week before. He’s happy to be here. He will take the SCW’s money as long as they pay him. He knows he doesn’t have to lift a finger, and I know Ace is content with that.

“Should I care as much?” I ask, leaning forward in my fold-out chair. I’m in my gear, watching a portable TV. “Should I go out of my way to try and steal the show? Should I go out of my way to try and have the best match possible?” I run my hands over my face, telling myself that attitude isn’t enough. Just as Felix said. Just as Hank said. Fuck, I think, just like everyone has told me.

I let out another sigh as I lean back in my chair, placing my hands behind my head. I close my eyes, hoping to think of better days. This doesn’t last long as there’s a knock at my door. A heavy breath escapes my lungs as I lean forward. “Come in.” I say, before glancing down as I begin to undo my wrestling boots.

I breathe in once, and I know who it is. Her scent is undeniable. Its also haunting. I don’t look up because I don’t want to see her. “What are you doing here, Rachel?”

I hear her chuckle as I see her feet as she steps further into the room, closing the door behind her. “I just wanted to come check on an old friend. Is that okay?”

I don’t look up. I undo my other boot. “We’re not old friends though, are we?” I huff and puff, knowing she’s not going to go away. I look up, and she is still as stunning as ever.

The head of Foxx Global gives me a pouty face. “Oh, surely you don’t think that, Asher.”

“There’s nothing to think about. I know what I say to be true.”

She chuckles a bit. “You think about a lot, Asher. And we both know you’re not of what’s true, and what isn’t. You don’t buy into your own bullshit.”

“What do you want?” I ask, rising to my feet, feeling my hands starting to shake. She brings out the worst in me. Always has, and it doesn’t seem like its changed.

“You know what I want, Asher. Its what I always want. To watch you squirm and crumble to my mere presence.” She says, taking a step forward. She’s so close I can feel her breath. “I know I’m your weakness, but you need to remember that I was your greatest strength.” I take a step back, but she keeps close. “You remember all the good times we had. I know it was a lifetime ago but think back to all you accomplished while you were with me. Underground, Tag Team, and United States Championships. Those all came to you while we were connected. You nearly won the World title that you oh so crave, but you decided to try and separate yourself from me.”

My back presses against the lockers and I drop to my ass, but I can’t keep my eyes away from hers. “If you had never tried to leave me, Asher…if you would have never aligned yourself with the fans then the world would have been yours. I was ready to give it all to you. Just as I gave you the sweetest gift I could have ever given.” She reaches into the purse she’s been carrying at her side, and Rachel pulls out a bag. I don’t even have to look to see what it is.

“Get that away from me.”

“But why? It is what brought us together.” She smirks. “That and a thirst for domination. You still have that thirst, don’t you?” She asks, lifting the bag closer to my face, as she straddles me. I tell myself that Rachel’s right. She is my weakness. “Except, you’ve lost your edge. You can only talk or just dream about dominating. This,” She states, as she points at the bag as she lifts it up to eye level, “Can give you that edge back. That key ingredient you’ve been missing. Hell, Asher we both know that it will help you find that balance you’ve not had these last few years when you’ve tried to come back.”

“Stop. You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.” I shout.

She laughs once again. “Oh, but I do. We both know that. Come.” Rachel states as she gets to her feet. She extends her hand for me to take. “Come with me, Asher. Let’s fall together.”

She repeats herself until I finally reach up and take her hand. I climb to my feet, only for a vibration to occur, causing the entire locker room to shake and rattle. It hits again, and the room gives way, our hands drift apart and I fall backward, as she laughs, her laughter echoing in my head, until the back of my head connects. I blink and I’m still in my locker room. Nothing is destroyed. I find the TV is still on, and there is no Rachel.

Just my cell phone ringing. I had fallen back in my seat. I curse myself for dozing off as I reach over and grab my cell and get to my feet as I answer.

“Asher?”

“Yeah.”

“You alright man?” My agent asks. “I’ve called you a few times.”

I nod. “Yeah, yeah I’m good. Just dozed off a little.”

“You didn’t miss a match, did you?”

I shake my head. “No. Looks like they didn’t need like I told myself they would. Other people got opportunities and I was stuck in the back.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, man. I’m sure that sucks.”

“You have no idea. I’ve been back here, and my mind has been wandering down dark holes that it shouldn’t.” I say, thinking of the little nightmare I just experienced, and how real Rachel felt. “I’m glad you called.” I add. “I guess you could say that you’re my hero.”

“As I should always be.” Hank replies.

“Well, since I got you on the line, there’s something I want to tell you.”

“You’re not thinking about calling it quits, are you?”

I shake my head. “No. Not at all. Get the fucking idea out of your head.”

“Well, you’ve been pretty down and out lately, man. The last time you got like this, you bailed.”

“I know. I know. That was then, and this is now. I don’t want to quit. I want to do what I set out to do in SCW. I refuse to change my mind about it. It’s…It’s just…” My voice breaks, and he asks if I’m alright once again. I tell him I am, before I continue. “It’s just that…after talking to everyone…I need to change the way I approach this shit.”

“We’ve been telling you that.”

“I know, and I guess I have no other choice but to listen and take that advice to heart. Not only take it to heart, but to actually apply it.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to do that?”

I sigh. “I don’t know honestly, but I’m willing to try. That’s why I want you to call Alex and tell him I’ll take the match against Anderson.”

Hank pauses for a moment. I say his name and he comes back to reality it seems. “Yeah, I’m here. I’m just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Is that such a good idea?”

I shrug. “Once again, I don’t know but I’m willing to try.” He tells me it’s a good idea, but tells me he’s worried, because of how things happened. I tell him that I’ve not forgotten. That I couldn’t even if I tried.

___________________________________

May 2019

Chicago, IL

Leaving Adrina with the Elite Pro Championship with tears in her eyes, didn’t sit well with me. That is why I find myself at a bar, as usual when things don’t go the way I think they should. As I down a drink, I shake my head at my actions, knowing that I knew going into everything that there would be consequences.

Sleeping with the boss’ daughter. There was going to be a consequence. I scoff at the fact I chose to ignore that thought as I chose to think with my cock. I down another drink, and nearly spit it out when I feel a slap on my back. I swallow and turn to find my opponent from earlier in the night, Aaron Anderson, towering behind me.

“Oh, it’s you.” I say, scoffing at the notion of my night becoming even more interesting. I know its not in a good way, either.

“Yeah. It’s me.” He states with an arrogance I can appreciate. In a way, its like looking in a mirror. Maybe that is why I don’t like him. That, and the little fucker hasn’t shown me a lick of respect. Why does that sound so fucking familiar? I chuckle, knowing that I don’t even have to ask.

“Well, what can I do for you?” I ask, before ordering another drink. “Would you like a drink? I can get you one. I’ll even buy it for you. I doubt you make a lot of money on the indy scene.”

“I make enough. And what I make doesn’t go into drowning my own misery.” He states, before taking a seat next to me. “I’d ask if this seat is taken, but with how pathetic you look, I already know the answer.” I see him glaring at me out of the corner of my eye. “So, what the fuck is your problem? Too much of an asshole to do business?”

I chuckle once again. “Do business?” I look at him sideways, letting him know I respect him as much as he respects me. “Son, I don’t know if you noticed, but I am the business.” I shoot him a smirk. “The fans of Elite Pro, they were there to see me. Not you.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Another chuckle escapes me. “I am very fucking positive about that.”

“I don’t know about you, but it sure as fuck seemed like I outclassed you in every single way tonight.” Anderson states. “And the way I see it, you stole from me. Not only from me, but the company I want to help build. And the fans that I earned the respect of.”

“Oh, my shit!” I exclaim. “You think you outclassed me? I don’t know if you noticed but I beat you, kid. So, either you’re that arrogant and delusional, or you’re higher than I ever was while on heroin.” I shrug and shake my head, before downing my next drink. “And the fans don’t respect you. You’ve not proven anything.”

I can tell I’ve gotten under his skin. Anderson stands up. “I think we need to go outside.”

I sigh. “You really want to do this? I beat your ass for money. This ass kicking will be free.” He just glares at me. I sigh again. “Just remember that you asked for this, alright?” I get to my feet and we both make our way outside, behind the bar. There’s an alleyway with a little bit of a light. We stand in the light. “This is your last chance.” I say. I go to add to that, only to catch a jab to my mouth for my troubles. I taste blood as I stumble back. I spit it out. “That was a good shot, but now there are no more last…” He hits me again and I fall to my ass.

I look up. He has a smirk on his face, but not as big as mine. “Do you have a girlfriend or wife? If you do, you need to go ahead and introduce me so I can show you how hard a man really hits.” He goes to kick me, and I catch his leg before climbing to my feet, flipping him over at the same time. He lands on his back but quickly scrambles to his feet. I slow his momentum with a left jab then a right cross, before flinging him into the dumpster for good measure.

“It would be best if you stopped, kid. You’re embarrassing yourself.” I say, as he gets up. He wipes blood from his lip then lets out a roar as he charges in my direction, but I slow him down once again, with a swift uppercut. We don’t get the chance to continue our violent ballet as blue and red lights flash in our direction.

In a matter of minutes, I am slammed down on the hood of a cop car with cuffs tightening around my wrists. I’m thrown in the back of the car and off we go. With alcohol in my system, my arrogance is at an all-time high. “Hey, guys. Do you care we cut on some music? I don’t know about you but I’m in the mood for Led Zeppelin.” I sit and wait, but there’s nothing out of either officer. This doesn’t stop me however, because, why would it, right? “Come on, guys. Let’s rock out while we got the cops out, right?”

The one in the passenger seat looks at me over his shoulder. “You want to hear some music?”

I grin. “Absolutely, my dude.”

He nods, before looking at his partner. “You in the mood for some music?”

The driver replies. “Fuck yeah. Why not?” We make eye contact in the mirror. “A big celebrity superstar such as yourself…you deserve special treatment. So, sure. We can listen to some music.”

“You guys are…” I say, as I lean back in the seat, expecting my ears to be filled with the majestic sounds of Robert Plant’s voice, only to hear the sudden wailing of a police siren, which is followed by their laughter. I sigh and finish my statement, but under my breath. “Dicks.”

I don’t know how long I’m in lock up. I manage to catch some sleep, before I’m woken by the sound of a nightstick clanging against the bars. I look up to find another officer looking at me like he absolutely loves his job. “Asher Hayes?” I nod, stumbling to my feet. “You’re free to go.”

“Seriously? I was just cozy.” I say as I make my way toward the cell door, more than ready to make my exit. He tells me he doesn’t give a shit and I thank him before making my way outside. I expect to see Felix or Adrina, but I get neither of them. Seeing her face makes me want to run back inside or travel back in time to where Audrey or my sister, Kara were the ones bailing me out. “Fuck, it’s you.” Its Evelyn. Adrina’s fiancé.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“This is just like Adrina.” I say, not making eye contact.

“Is that so?” Evelyn asks. I go to respond, but she steps forward and drives her knee into my testicles, which drives me down to the pavement, gasping for air. “Adrina didn’t ask me to come here. In fact, she doesn’t know where I am. Anderson called the house looking for Alex. I got you both out. Getting him out was more of a kindness. You, however, I did, to deliver a message.”

I catch my breath. “And what might that be?

“That you need to grow up and get on with your life. You need to forget about the woman you cheated on and refused to marry.” We lock eyes and she gives me a smirk, before walking away.

I stare up at the night sky, knowing deep down that she’s right. I need to move on not only from Adrina, but Audrey as well. That I won’t get another shot at having true love unless I do. I don’t let Evelyn know that as I shout in defiance. “Don’t make me get up and kick your ass all over again, woman!” But no one is there.

* * * * * * *

May 17th, 2020

Chicago, IL

I wake up to see if I have any texts from Kristen. There are none. I check Twitter and see she’s posted another photo. I like it, knowing it may not matter.

I get up and work out, before grabbing a shower. I hear a loud banging coming from outside, so I step out, wrapping myself in a towel, hearing the banging continue. I learn it is coming from my front door. I look out to find someone I really don’t want to see, but they see me, so I have to go ahead and open up. “Hi.” I say, adding as much disdain as possible. “Sandy. How are you?”

Sandy, Alex’s daughter that I was caught sleeping with which led to my original firing from Elite Pro, stands before me, wearing as little as possible, but still enough to walk around in public. She smiles at me. “Well, looks like I arrived at the best possible time.” I say nothing. She stands there, her cocky expression switching to confusion. “Are you not going to invite me in?”

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Well, you don’t call. You don’t write. I thought you’d forgotten about me.”

“Tried my best. Apparently, you didn’t do the same.”

She glances toward my cock region. “How could I forget that?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Find another penis? That sounds reasonable and based on your looks, I’m sure its fairly easy.”

Sandy rolls her eyes. “Can I come in?”

I hesitate, knowing if she does that bad things will probably happen. I sigh. “Yeah, come on in. Have a seat in the living room.”

She skips into the house and plops down on the couch. “I remember this couch. Do you remember all the fun we had?” She asks, giving me a seductive grin as her hands rub against the cushions. I give her a thumbs up before stepping into my room, closing and locking the door, telling myself to be on my best behavior. I get dressed and step back outside, where she is still rubbing on the cushions. She stops when we lock eyes. “Oh, you’re back. I was beginning to wonder if you had snuck out the window.”

“I live here. Why would I do that?”

She shrugs. “So, you can run away from your feelings?”

I scoff. “That’s pretty good.” I say as I wander into the kitchen and grab a bottled water. “But I don’t think there were ever any ‘feelings’ between us. Sex was about it. Which brings me back to one thing. Why are you here?”

“Well, I saw your match the other night. You looked really good.” Sandy states, repositioning herself to sit on her knees. “I wanted to talk to you afterward, but you got out of there pretty fast.”

“I’m a busy man. What can I say?”

“I talked with my dad later that night. Just wanted to see what was going on with you two. And then he told me that he offered you a shot at Anderson and the Elite Pro Championship.”

“Did he now?” I ask, before taking a sip of my water.

She nods. “Yeah, he did, and he said that you weren’t sure about it.” She gives me a confused look for a moment or two. “I don’t know about you, but I told him that didn’t sound like you. Why would Asher Hayes not be sure about something?”

“Because I wasn’t.” I fire back. “But I’ve agreed to the match. I’ve agreed to face Anderson.”

A chuckle escapes Sandy. “Oh, is that so?” I nod, and she continues. “You know he wants to kill you, right?” She lets another chuckle loose.

“I’ve heard rumblings. But that’s fine. I’ll be there to wrestle. If he wants to hold grudges, that’s on him.”

“Do you think you can beat him?” She asks, her eyes matching her serious expression.

“I’ve beaten him before.”

Sandy shakes her head. “No, do you think you can beat him now? He was still starting out and you were shaking off the rust. He’s gotten better. Do you think you can say the same?”

“You ask me like I should be worried.”

“Maybe you should.”

I sigh and shake my head. “Why should I be worried? I’m considered one of the best in the biggest promotion in the entire world.” As I utter the words, I get the sudden sense that I don’t believe them.

And she picks up on that. “You don’t seem to really buy into your own bullshit.”

“What makes you think it’s bullshit?”

She shrugs once again. “You can just tell. It’s not real. You’re not being you. Unless the you I was introduced to, was nothing more than a lie. Either way, you better figure out who you are and fast, especially if you’re going to face Anderson?”

“Now, you’re really trying to get inside my head and make me worry. Why is that?”

“I don’t think I have to get inside your head to do that. You already show you doubt yourself. Anderson will pick up on that. He’s filled with belief in himself. You’re not. He’s a different type of animal than he used to be. He will tear you apart if you’re not careful.”

“Oh, so you came to warn me?” I shake my head once more. “I don’t think I’ll need it.” I state, edging closer to her. “I’ve faced the best and I’ve beaten the best that this industry has had to offer.”

She cuts me off before I can continue. “But you’ve never really been the best though. Have you?”

Sandy’s words battle around in my head as I catch glimpses of me losing to Shawn Winters. Damian Angel. Shawn Alexander Cage. Images of me falling to Jason Zero and Shilo Valiant, follow. I watch myself lose to Gavin Taylor. To Jordan Majors. To Sienna Swann. Selena Frost. “I am so inside your head, aren’t I?” She asks, bringing me back to reality.

I shake my head. “Why did you come here? Did you come here to bust my balls? I’ve no problem doing that myself. I don’t need any help.”

Sandy climbs to her feet. “If you’re looking to become nothing more than a fossil in this business, then yeah you keep with that mindset. My father has offered you this because he believes in you, as I’m sure he’s told you. He wants the absolute best for you, because you’ve helped his company. He would much rather you be with Elite Pro than SCW.”

“I’m sure he would.”

“Just think about it.” She states, towering over me as we lock eyes. “The SCW has moved on without you. You had your chance ten years ago and you blew it. Elite Pro is somewhere that will allow you to grow with it and achieve all the things you were supposed to achieve. Just think. You were World Champion with us. Of course, you blew it, but you could have the chance to redeem all that if you manage to survive against Anderson.” I grow silent as she continues to tower over me. A few moments pass and I find her in my lap. I look up at her and Sandy’s lips meet mine. There is no passion between us. I don’t kiss back. She breaks away and sighs before climbing to her feet, heading for the door, as she says one last thing before her exit. “Just think about it. You could have a real shot at a real future with what little bit of time you have left in this industry.” I hear the door close. Her words race through my mind over and over, and I suddenly want to trade in my water for whiskey.

___________________________________

May 18th, 2020

Chicago, IL

“You don’t seem to be in the best of moods if I do say so myself.” My therapist, John Goldberg, states. I’m back in his office, and he’s right. I’m not in the best of moods. I can’t keep the statements of everyone from Felix to Sandy out of my head.

“I’m not.” I state, rubbing my hands together, trying to slow my breathing, anything to keep myself calm. I shake my head. “I’ve been having just about everyone I know telling me what I need to do. That I’m not being true to myself.”

“By the tone of your voice, you’re pissed off about that.”

“I am.” I rapidly state.

“And why do you think that is?”

“Because I don’t need others telling me how to be. I’m frankly fed the fuck up with it.” I say, feeling my teeth grind together. I recall my conversation with Felix. “My best friend told me that when it comes to my job, I’m just talking out of my ass. Hearing him say it, made me believe it. And that makes me feel like I’ve been wasting everyone’s fucking time, including my own.”

Goldberg goes to speak, but I continue. “And my fucking agent…” I scoff. “He basically said the same thing. He didn’t come off like he had the utmost confidence in me, and to say that cut me pretty damn deep would be an understatement. And there’s a guy I was working with or tagging with if we want to stick to wrestling terms. He said I shouldn’t get so angry about losing matches, or any of that nonsense. He goes through all this with ease.”

I lean forward from my seat on the couch, running my hands over my face and through my hair, looking down at my feet as I continue to unload. “Let’s not forget the fact that I’ve agreed to wrestle for this independent promotion I competed for a little over a year ago. I have a bad history with them, but they’re still interested in me. Deep down, I feel its because I’m more of a legend or mainstream name to get eyes on their product.”

“And is that a bad thing?” Goldberg asks, managing to get a word in.

I shake my head. “No, its smart business. I don’t blame them for that. I wrestled for them the other night and had a great match. The crowd was really into it. I felt alive, like I told my agent. I’m coming back for another match like I said. I’m competing against a guy whom I have bad blood with, due to how things went down the last time we faced one another. And the boss’ daughter, who I was sleeping with back in the day…”

He cuts me off. “You were sleeping with your boss’ daughter?” I nod. “You really can be out of control, can’t you?”

“That’s another understatement.”

“So, what’s the deal with her, now?”

I clear my throat. “She came by my place, and before you go there, no. I didn’t sleep with her. She came by and basically asked me to quit the bigger promotion, to join her dad’s company full-time. She said that I’d be able to achieve everything I should have achieved years ago.”

“And what should you have achieved years ago?”

A sigh escapes me. “I should have become World Champion a decade ago. I should have been a main event level performer a decade ago. Instead, I became complacent, and followed that up with an injury. I left the bigger promotion, the SCW. I’ve attempted comebacks over the years, but they’ve never amounted to anything due to injuries or my own self-doubt.”

“And this other promotion, the independent one, it came knocking?” I nod, and he continues. “Did you have any self-doubt?”

“Maybe at first.”

“What happened?”

I shrug. “I’m not sure.”

“Do you feel that you thought you were a little overconfident, because you were a bigger fish in a small pond?”

I shrug once again. “I’ve not really thought of it like that.”

“Of course not. No one wants to admit when they’re being a prick. And even if they do, they are just trying to out prick themselves.” I look down, and he takes the words right out of my mouth. “You have experience in that, I take it.” I nod. “To build from that, did you feel overconfident when you returned to the SCW?”

“It was about half and half.” He shoots me a look. I sigh. “Alright. Yeah, I’ve been an arrogant prick.”

“And how has that worked out for you?”

“Not as great as I hoped if I’m being honest.” I look down for a moment. “Things started out great as I’ve told so many people in the last little bit, and then shit went south. I’ve not really been able to find my footing again. I stand up then fall right back down, and keep tumbling.”

“Which has added to you drinking and partying. Sleeping with random women.”

“We’re back to that again, are we?” He nods. “Well, if I suck at my job, I might as well do what I’m really good at, right?” I ask, with a slight chuckle. He doesn’t seem amused. I bite back the humor really quick. “That was meant to be a joke.”

“Yeah. I’m sure that may have gotten a few laughs out of your drinking buddies, but that’s not me. You know why? Because I am able to stand on my own two feet. I don’t have to align myself with people who are more confident in who they are, someone who can do things with ease, like this guy you were tagging with.”

“Well, aren’t you special?” I ask, feeling a tinge of anger rising through me.

“No, I’m not special. I’m just me. You need to understand that its okay to be confident. That it is okay to be yourself. That you don’t have to be like everyone else.”

I cut him off. “I have to be successful.”

He takes a deep breath and nods. “Alright. What is your definition of success?”

I scoff. “I’m a pro wrestler. Success to me is being the World Champion.”

“And what’s stopping you?” He asks. I go to speak, but I can’t. I know I’m in the Taking Hold of the Flame battle royal, against thirty-nine other wrestlers, but I know I can’t say that’s the reason. It feels like it is so much more than that. “You already know the answer. So, why don’t you say it?”

“What do you want me to say?” I ask, starting to feel slightly uncomfortable.

“What you really feel, Asher.”

“Jesus Christ.”

Goldberg shakes his head. “He has nothing to do with this. This is all you, and you alone.” I bite my bottom lip, trying to replace the frustration with pain. “If you can’t be honest with yourself, man then you are wasting everyone’s time. Mine, as well as yours. If you can’t be honest with yourself, then your definition of success will be nothing more than words. Is that what you want?”

I exhale, heavily. “No.”

“Then, let’s hear it. What do you really feel, Asher?”

My fingers clench into fists then unravel once again. I repeat this a few times, gaining control over my breathing, feeling a slight calm for the first time in this session. “I feel I should be a bigger deal than I am, because I should have accomplished so much more than I have. I joke about everything, because I feel that is what I am. A joke. The more that I’m honest with myself, the worse that I become. I portray myself as some sort of strong, wise-ass when the truth is that I feel weak as hell.” I exhale heavily once again. “That’s not what I want.”

Some time passes before Goldberg replies. When he does, I can’t help but search for his eyes. I need to see strength of some kind. “It doesn’t have to be that way, Asher. You can be strong, but it seems that there are a lot of things you need to let go of. And I am here to help you. You’re on the medicine. It will start to really kick in, and when it does, you’re going to start feeling a lot better. Hell, you might find that you can’t be anything but honest.” I chuckle as we share a bit of a laugh. Once it dies down, Goldberg continues. “I think it will open you up, so we can peel back the layers, and help get rid of whatever junk is in your head. Whatever it is that you’re allowing to hold you back.”

“Can we have that happen before the 31st?” I ask, only slightly joking.

“I’m damn good at what I do, Asher but I’m no miracle worker. If that was the case, then I’d be out of a job in no time.”

I chuckle again, and nod, as the session continues for a little bit more. I feel weight has shifted once we finish up. I make my way outside, when my phone rings. I expect it to be Alex or Hank. Maybe even Ace. But its Kristen. I can’t answer fast enough.

“Hello?”

“Asher?” Her voice is panicked.

“Yeah. Hey, Kristen. It’s me. Everything alright?”

“Not really. Look, I hate to bother you but is there any way that you can come by? It’s Jayden?”

I tell her that I will be right there, and I don’t stop until I reach her place, hoping that I’m not too late for whatever has happened beyond her front door.

I go to knock on the door, but it comes open, and a guy I’ve never seen before steps out. He has a smile on his face. “Hey. You must be Asher. I’m Rich.” He states, extending his hand. I take it and we shake. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Righteous.” I reply. “If you don’t mind me asking…um, who are you?”

He nods. “I’m seeing Kristen.” He swallows and I can tell things have gotten nothing less than awkward. “I’m her boyfriend.”

“I see.” I say, giving a nod as well. “So, what is going on?” He goes to reply, but Kristen steps outside. She pauses for a moment when she sees me at first. “Hi, Kristen.” I say, trying to swallow any sadness trying to course through me.

She nods. “Hey, Asher. Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah. So, what’s going on? Rich, here, didn’t get the chance to tell me.”

“Jayden is upset. Like severely upset. Over what, I’m not sure but he wanted to talk to you. He wanted to see you.”

I nod again, exhaling heavily. “Alright. Where is he?” Kristen tells me the kid is in his room. I walk inside, while she and Rich stay on the front porch. I find Jayden sitting in the floor beside his bed, face buried in his hands. I take a deep breath and knock. He looks up, all puffy eyed, and gives me a weak smile. I return the gesture. “What’s up, kid?”

He wipes tears from his cheeks as I sit down in front of him. “I miss you, Asher.” His words strike me right in the heart. I want to scold myself for feeling something. I’m not supposed to, right? “I don’t want Kristen to be with Rich.”

I nod. “Yeah, I can completely understand that. He doesn’t seem to be as cool as me, does he?” Jayden chuckles a little bit. “But I can’t lie to you, bud. That’s something that I’ll never do with you. I’ve lied to myself a lot. I mean, a lot.”

“What have you lied about?”

I shrug and stare straight ahead. “Everything.” I sigh. “But the biggest thing I’ve lied to myself about is what’s going on with Kristen and I.” He looks at me puzzled. “Kristen really cares about me. Like a lot more than I’ve ever truly realized. And with me being the idiot that I am, I’ve not paid attention to it. But now, I can’t help but see it. She’s with Rich, and it hurts me.”

“It hurts me, too.” He says, with a heavy sigh of his own.

“Kristen hasn’t had the best luck with men. And it seems you’ve not had the best in terms of father figures as you and I’ve discussed before. Or when it comes to those who are meant to take care of you, period.” I reply. “Kristen is a great person however, and I believe she takes damn good care of you.” He nods in agreement, and I continue. “And this Rich dude, I know he’s not me, but that could be a good thing.”

“A good thing?” Jayden asks, cocking an eyebrow. “How?”

I shrug. “Well, like I said. I’m an idiot. I’ve not been paying attention to Kristen. I know your dad didn’t either. But, this Rich guy, he might be the kind of guy who will give her the attention she not only needs but deserves.” I can’t contain the sadness any longer. It begins to linger in my voice. “And he could do the same for you. He could be here for you, so you won’t have to call me. He will be right here when, and if, you need him.”

“What are you saying?”

I shrug again. “I’m just saying that you should give the guy a chance.” He looks down, slowly nodding. “Hey.” I say, and we lock eyes. “Do you think you can?” He nods again. “And just because he’s around, or because Kristen and I aren’t together, that doesn’t mean you and I can’t hang out. Alright?” That perks him up a bit. His smile brings out mine. “Alright, bud. You going to be okay?”

“I think so.” I climb to my feet as he does. Jayden then reaches over and hugs me. I hug him back. “Asher?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to be okay?”

I scoff. “God, I hope so.”

Our embrace ends and I make my way outside, where I find Rich and Kristen. They are hugging as well. Their embrace ends when she and I lock eyes. “How is he?” She asks.

“I think he’s going to be alright. No reason to call the men in white coats.” I reply. Rich laughs, but realizes Kristen isn’t in the mood for jokes, and stops. He tells us he’ll go inside, telling me it was nice to meet me, before she and I stand outside alone. “So…”

She cuts me off. “Thank you for coming, Asher.”

I nod. “Yeah, no problem. Though I’m pretty sure Rich could have handled that.” I say, unable to mask any hint of jealousy.

“He wanted to speak with you.”

“I can’t say I blame him.”

“Can you not be an asshole right now?”

I clear my throat and nod. “Yeah, you’re right.” I state. “It just sucks that you had to call me. I should have been here from the very beginning. Had I been here, Jayden wouldn’t have been upset.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Kristen replies, crossing her arms over her breast, looking down, just as she did the last time I was here. “I’m just glad I was able to get ahold of you. Who knows how he would have been if I hadn’t.”

“And it shouldn’t be that way.”

“But it is.” She says. “Because that is what you wanted.”

“It’s what I thought I wanted.” I reply, looking down for a few moments, trying to gather my thoughts. “But I’ve learned recently that a lot of what I’ve thought hasn’t been the best for me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, obviously. Like I figured Jayden wouldn’t want anything to do with me after what happened in LA. Fuck.” I say, shaking my head. “But he wanted to see me. That has to be a sign, right?”

“A sign for what?”

I shrug. “That I can turn things around.”

I go to continue but Kristen begins shaking her head. “Please, don’t start this, Asher. I can’t deal with this right now. I don’t want to.”

“But what if I can turn things around? What if we really try?” I pause, shaking my head once again. “What if I really try?”

“And what would that look like?” She asks. “No more sleeping around with random women? No more partying until you black the fuck out? Do you honestly think you can handle all that?”

“I’m willing to give it a shot.”

Kristen scoffs. “You see, that right there tells me all I need to know right now.”

“What’s that?”

“That you can’t handle it. Being willing to give it a shot is basically pissing all over everything that I would be holding out hope for.”

She goes to speak but I cut her off, uttering words I never expect myself to say. “I love you.”

Kristen’s eyes grow wide for a few moments, before she looks down, slowly letting out a deep breath. “I wish you hadn’t said that.”

“I can’t believe I said it, but I don’t take it back.”

She looks up and we lock eyes. “I just wish you hadn’t waited until now to say it.”

“Better late than never, right?” I ask, feeling myself smile as I feel like things truly are looking up for me.

And then she replies, her words bringing me back to Earth. “That’s just it. It may very well be too late.” My smile fades and I go to speak, but she turns away, going inside. I stand there for a few moments, trying to make sense of what just happened, the little voice in the back of my head telling me that she’s right, while I can’t help but hope it’s not too late.

___________________________________

May 24th, 2020

Chicago, IL

The ref’s hand slaps the mat for a third time and the bell rings. The match is over. Anderson beats me, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t look up at the arena lights. I just want to lay here for a moment. I feel alive once again. No worries in my mind or weighing me down. The ring, I tell myself, is where I belong.

Right now, I’m not sure why that it is, but I can’t ignore it.

Anderson drops down beside me, putting his arms around my neck, hugging me which shocks not only the audience, but myself as well. “Thank you.” He whispers. “You don’t know how fucking much this means to me, dude. You have no clue.”

I feel myself smirk. “If anyone should be thanking anyone, it should be me thanking you.” I look up and we lock eyes. He looks confused. I shake my head. “You brought out the best in me, dude. Something I didn’t know was there. I’ve gone months and I mean, fucking months thinking that I had lost it all. You showed me it was there. That I still have that fight. I just needed my ass kicked to figure it out.”

He grins. “Thank you. I’ll always appreciate this, even after all we’ve been through.”

I pat him on the back, before our embrace ends as I speak once more. “You are this business, kid. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different.” He lets me go and gets to his feet, climbing the top rope in celebration, lifting the Elite Pro Championship high above his head. I watch him and know that I was wrong. That losing to him was my penance. Not only that, but it feels like it is my salvation. That facing him has saved me.

I chuckle to myself as I finally get to my feet, listening to the roar of the crowd as he and I pay our respects to one another. No one thought we had respect, but we found it in the wrestling ring. The crowd thanks us, but it quickly dies down as Anderson grabs a microphone. “Asher Hayes, ladies and gentlemen!” The crowd cheers a bit more, before dying down again. “Hell of a match, mate. Hell of a match.” I nod, and he continues. “But, the way I see it…is that you and I…we’re tied up. You’ve beaten me, and now I’ve beaten you.”

The crowd begins to clamor once again, and I feel a shit eating grin form from my lips, as Anderson speaks once again. “So, what do you say? Tie breaker? For the Elite Pro Championship?”

I shrug and take the mic from him. I catch my breath and comb my hair from my face. “We’ve had a hell of a series, Anderson. There’s no doubt about that.” The crowd quietens down. “But you see, next weekend, I have a Flame to take hold of…”

The crowd boos a bit.

“But, once I do that, you can bet your ass I’ll be back to take that title away from you!” I toss the mic behind me as the crowd cheers. Anderson and I stand nose to nose, smirking before I break away and head to the back.

As I walk up the ramp, things become a little bit clearer for me. I realize why I belong in the ring. Why I feel alive when I’m between those ropes. I look at the ring, the crowd, and back to the ring again, as I tell myself that it is all I have.

It may be all that I’ll ever have, or ever really need. That I have burned a lot of bridges in my time, especially with the wrestling industry, but…I tell myself…I need to learn how to take comfort in the fact that when it comes to wrestling, I can turn things around. That Taking Hold of the Flame can provide me with that fresh start.

___________________________________

-SHOOT-